I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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