dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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