god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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