saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
