I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
