apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
