Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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