I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
