Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
