Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
