My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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