if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
