So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
His hands were made for my vagina.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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