If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
