well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize