I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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