I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize