Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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