I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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