I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my shit smells like andre
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
