Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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