a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I think people are normalizing furries
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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