I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
