Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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