They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
