she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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