mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
