I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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