well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
