im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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