People in love make me want to vomit
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
