Ketchup is God's man juice
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
