I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
