my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
