hell yes lets make some ravioli
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
