i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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