I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i drank out of a bidet.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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