I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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