I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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