11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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