I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
