Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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