I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
