Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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