Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
