I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
