Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize