my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
