I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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