The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
