Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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