i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
