a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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