I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
you made out with another girl for some wings
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