ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
